I found this fabulous calendar on the Friday Favourites of an awesome blog I follow called This Is Meagan Kerr. If you’ve never checked out her blog, do! As a cat lover I loved this cool quirky cat calendar and I want it!
Cats can definitely be furry little destroyers. I remember my cat as a kitten attacking my legs every time I walked in the vicinity of where he was hiding by launching himself at me and grabbing on with his claws! It was not a pleasant phase and my lounge room curtains also got the brunt of his ferocious play, to this day we have tiny pinpricks of light shining through the holes on the odd day we close the curtains during the daylight hours!
But indeed, children can be equally destructive. If I could illustrate I could totally make one of these calendars. I would call it Child vs Parent: Things Children Will Destroy.
My calendar would go like this:
You plant it, they pull it back out. Then they usually stomp on it for good measure.
Bathing little kids is like turning on a front loader washing machine without closing the door.
Little boys (I can’t speak for girls since I don’t have any but I imagine them to be much the same) think the back of the bath is a slide to be slid down. They think the aim of bathtime is to see how much water you can get out of the bath and onto the bathroom floor before it’s time to get out. They think that we need a ‘shower’ while we supervise and love to splash to see how FAR the water can go. If it hits the wall on the other side of the bathroom it is extra points. If you end up soaked from head to toe then it is a gold medal.
This is their aim, to get mummy or daddy as wet as possible.
They have no ears while in the bath. And if they are not destroying your bathroom through flooding it, they are peeing on the floor, dragging toilet paper through the house or smearing liquid soap and toothpaste over your walls. Young children should never be left alone in a bathroom unattended even when fully clothed. Do NOT trust them. They are plotting against you.
You know how we, as smart, sophisticated, health conscious mums, like to hoard our chocolate so we can daintily eat one small square of it at a time to savour that sweet sugary chocolatey goodness spread over weeks, if not months? (Ha!).
Ok, let’s try that again.
You know how we always have an emergency stash of chocolate on hand to shove in our mouths when the kids are destroying our patience and we have had a really trying day (does that sound more realistic?). Well hide that chocolate really well, because your children will destroy your stash if they find it.
I had been given the most divine looking Easter egg that I was saving for that perfect moment to eat. It was a gold Lindt egg, pure Swiss luxury. One day I come down to the kitchen and the fridge is open and the 2 year old has chocolate all around his mouth and gold foil at his feet. My heart broke. He destroyed it. He ATE THE WHOLE LOT. Learn from my mistake. Hide that chocolate really well or you too could find your stash destroyed in seconds.
Do you remember what it used to be like, to go to bed when you wanted to and lie your head on that soft pillow before drifting off into a peaceful slumber and not opening your eyes again until the sun starts to peep through the curtains amid the chatter of birds?
Now I go to bed exhausted (usually way later than I should be, staying up simply for the pleasure of that extra alone time after the kids have finally gone to sleep) and then I usually end up with a nightly
visitor intruder or two.
The nightly intruder can arrive anytime between 5 minutes after I go to bed to 5 hours after I go to bed, but they always arrive (except this one time that has been imprinted on my memory forever more where they stayed in their own beds ALL NIGHT. Yes, you read that right. ALL NIGHT IN THEIR OWN BEDS!).
At this point I have two options:
1. I put them back to their own bed, thus interrupting my own slumber and endure screaming crying for an hour. Usually this wakes the other child and creates more problems and we all end up awake for varying lengths of time.
2. I drag the intruder into my bed and have a restless sleep in between being kicked and battered and bruised by a child with restless legs (Cohen) or spend all night fighting for the blankets that keep getting kicked off (Finley). This option means I get to stay in bed and sleep (kind of).
Either way, my sleep is destroyed!
Please refer to April.
I like to think I had a pretty good memory prior to children but due to a lack of sleep and a general lack of recharge time for my poor brain to catch up with itself, my memory has become like a sieve with sand running through it.
Yesterday is sand. What I did on the weekend? Sand. That message you gave me to pass on to so and so? Sand. The time of birth of my second son? Sand. The model in the latest Woman’s Day magazine who looks familiar? Solid stone. That shit won’t go through the sieve, I recognise them instantly as a contestant in the 1992 Dolly modelling competition from 23 years ago.
But to get something out of the freezer for dinner tonight? Sand.
You can see I have my priorities in order. Children destroy your memory but only the memories that actually contribute to the running of your life right now, not that useless piece of information lingering in your long term memory. Oh no no no, of course you only remember that the guy you saw on TV last night was in some obscure 90’s movie and all the names of the characters of Dawson’s Creek (go on, you still know them don’t you?!).
I envy those pictures of big beautiful houses with gorgeous furniture, I really do. One day I’ll have a lovely furnished home too but for now I will make do with the old and the second hand. Hands up who’s table has some sort of utensil gouge in it? A rip in the sofa or stain of some description? A scratched to buggery coffee table? If you don’t and you had those items through the baby/toddler/pre-school years then you should consider yourself truly blessed! Trust me. Blessed.
As fast as you can tidy up, children will destroy all your hard work. You’ve finally finished folding that last load of washing and you’re looking forward to a well deserved cup of coffee … they’ll come along in the 2 seconds your back was turned and sweep it onto the floor, gleefully unfolding every last item of clothing, they will do this in the guise of ‘helping’ you.
You’ll vacuum as they follow along behind you dropping cookie crumbs like they’re the lead star in some Hansel and Gretal production. They’ll play hide and seek in your freshly made bed, unpack your kitchen cupboards, move items between rooms and spread Lego everywhere. In my opinion, Lego needs it’s own safe to live in and should never be easily accessible.
And please refer to January for an example of how your bathroom will be destroyed by water, urine, toothpaste and liquid soap (thankfully not all together although I wouldn’t put it past them to get that creative!).
Ah, it’s been a long day, the kids are in bed and it’s time to relax at long last!
‘Mummy, I have good news and I have bad news. The bad news is that the big comet is going to come down from the sky and hit the earth and break it into 12 million pieces! The good news is the Uffy is asleep and so I can hang out with you!’
Even when you think they are asleep, chances are they will sneak back out to destroy your peace and quiet. There is no such thing as peace and quiet in your world anymore. You love peace, quiet and solitude? You’re fucked. Children do not do quiet. Peace and quiet is a foreign concept for children. You think you’ll at least get some while sitting on the toilet? Not a chance! Those days? GONE. You will hear ‘Mum! Mummy! Where are you? Mummy? MUMMY!’ over and over and over and over and over again. FOREVER AND EVER.
Have you ever found yourself rocking in a corner with your hands over your ears to block out the screaming? Not yet? It will happen! It will happen. You will be experiencing moments of deliria before you know it!
Children grow so fast! Therefore they are always needing new stuff.
They need food and books and toys and food and school fees and bikes and food and new shoes and food and clothes and food.
They need Christmas presents and birthday presents and Easter eggs and Easter presents and birthday parties and personalised Christmas stockings to put the presents in and entertainment and Halloween outfits and holidays and food and *cough* Zooming Dino’s (I’m such a soft touch!).
On the other hand, you will need alcohol and chocolate. I recommend starting that wine fund early, $20 a
day week should cover it. And a coffee fund, oh dear lord, a coffee fund!
My mum used to let my sister and I decorate the Christmas tree and then overnight our mess would magically be turned into a thing of beauty. Even if you do this too (it’s ok, you can admit it! You’re in good company!) it does not mean the tree will stay that way.
This is where cats and children become one – they both love to destroy the Christmas tree!
How many of these can you relate to?
Linking up with #IBOT @ Essentially Jess
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