Your Voice, Your Story – Recurrent Miscarriage

Meet Jessi.

Jessi and I met when we both became pregnant at the same time in 2010 and due in the same month, July 2011. We bonded over our difficulties in conceiving and our friendship just grew from there. We were in the same online birth group for our first born sons and I have had the pleasure of meeting her and her wonderful family several times. She is such a beautiful soul who doesn’t deserve this heartache but sadly she is not alone on this journey. I have met several women who have gone (or are going through) the same thing.

Miscarriage is one of those silent topics that many women are ashamed to talk about for fair of being belittled.

‘It’s not a real baby yet, just try again’.

What so often happens is that in the early weeks of pregnancy we don’t always tell people. It’s one of those secrets we keep until we are in the ‘safe zone’. So when a woman loses her baby to miscarriage, family and friends often didn’t know to begin with so they don’t understand the pain and disappointment as they never experienced the joy, hopes and dreams that came with the initial pregnancy discovery and excitement.

Sadly miscarriage is far more common than many people may believe – it is thought that as many as half of all pregnancies miscarry before the fertilised egg even implants in the womb. In NZ and Australia approximately 1 in 4 pregnancies will end in miscarriage. Research shows that 5% of women will suffer two miscarriages or more. Recurrent miscarriage (RPL) is classed as 3 miscarriages or more.

Here Jessi shares her story. 


I have attempted to begin this post what seems like a million times but since I am about to reveal my biggest journey with you all I feel I should just be blunt and honest. So in the style of an alcoholics anonymous meeting, “Hi, I’m Jessi and I suffer from recurrent miscarriage (RPL)”.

My husband and I have lost more babies than you can count on one hand and slightly less than what you can count on two. If you’re reading this and have suffered miscarriage be it one or many, I want to hug you and tell you how sorry I am and how much it sucks.

People don’t say how much it sucks enough. In my experiences I have heard it all. “Oh there must have been something wrong with the baby”, “You can just just try again”, “It will happen when the time is right” and the most anger inducing one of all “It obviously wasn’t meant to be”. If I had a dollar for every time I’ve heard that …. I know, I know. People are just trying to care but I needed to hear more.

December 10 2015, my midwife entered my house after I had had ultrasound confirmation that our precious baby’s heart stopped beating. Our 5th loss in a row. She sat down on the couch next to me, grabbed my hand and said “This f***ing sucks“. It was exactly what I needed to hear. She had been through my entire journey with me up to that point except the losses before our first earth baby. She had delivered our miracle son and daughter and supported us through the wild ride that is recurrent miscarriage. She was one of the only ones who got it.

Throughout my journey with RPL I have become horribly familiar with the process, both physical and mental. Being familiar with such an awful experience is never something I thought I would have to deal with. I never thought that I would be one of the 2-3% of women who suffer recurrent miscarriage.

The physical pain is hard enough as anyone who has experienced this knows, but what shocked me the most is the grief and the mental pain.

Grief is an asshole.

A necessary asshole albeit. It’s a whole other journey on it’s own.

Here’s what I know about grief (listed by funky bullet points):

  • It makes you cry in the supermarket when you see pregnant women
  • It makes you cry in the mall when you see babies
  • It forces itself out in floods of tears at the most random of moments
  • It makes you want to leave your husband and run far away so he can find a woman who can give him babies … not take them away
  • It causes extreme jealousy. I’m talking ‘tummy turning to ice’, ‘I’m gonna spew’ type jealousy when you hear pregnancy announcements from friends
  • It makes you lose friends. Good friends. Friends who came to your wedding because you are so jealous they can get pregnant so easily and have healthy babies and you can’t
  • It sticks around. It sticks around for days, months and years and pops it’s little head up unexpectedly just to remind you of your strength

The one thing I am grateful for from the grief, the losses and the heartbreak is the way I have fallen deeper in love with my earth children. I adore them and I am so blessed to have them. They are my little miracles and I really didn’t think my heart could grow bigger in love for them. Turns out it can and it has. Losing my babies has forged a stronger bond with my children and for that I am grateful.

Losing all my babies has also made me hate the ‘taboo’ label of miscarriage. I hate that I can only talk about it with a few people in my life without the subject being changed immediately. I hate that I can’t cry to family if I’m having a bad day. All babies gone too soon, no matter how tiny they were, should be remembered. Their short lives should be celebrated and mourned, for they were someone’s son, daughter, sister, brother, granddaughter, grandson, niece or nephew. Talk about your babies. If you haven’t suffered miscarriage and you know someone who has, don’t be afraid to ask about their baby. Talking is part of the healing process.

Living with RPL has softened me but hardened me. I am stronger but I live more gently than ever before because I know how fragile life is. It’s made me parent differently and it’s made me not take being a parent for granted. We will always miss our babies, but time is a healer and life does get easier slowly.

Very slowly.

I have had numerous blood tests, genetic tests, chromosomal testing, ultrasounds, DNA Karyotype testing, NK testing, diet changes. I have tried natural fertility and herbal remedies. I’ve lost count of how many specialists have seen my lady garden and if I’m honest, I’m getting tired.

I’m strong but I’m tired.

It’s hard on the body and on the mind too. My heart wants to keep fighting and my husband feels the same despite everything we’ve been through, but he too is tired of seeing me suffer. I am scared and that beacon of hope is fading. The children ask for a baby brother or sister and we are honest with them. They know Mummy struggles and they know that they have siblings in heaven. They love finding feathers as they are presents from their angels.

So only time will tell, but for now I will keep living and learning as a Mama who adores her children and who really, really misses her babies.


Linking up with: #IBOT @ Essentially Jess 

To read more like this, follow me on Facebook by clicking here!

21 thoughts on “Your Voice, Your Story – Recurrent Miscarriage

  1. I am so sorry.
    I have never had a miscarriage. I have six children now. I have had seven pregnancies. My third was an ectopic for which my left tube was removed. An ultrasound revealed a perfectly formed baby. It was just in the wrong place. It was heartbreaking. I will always miss that baby in my life.
    I had all of those loose comments thrown my way too. They do not help the healing. ‘I am so sorry’ is the best thing someone can say in these circumstances. I wish you all the blessings of the universe on your future trails. X
    Jody at Six Little Hearts recently posted…Delicious Aussie Chicken Burger Wraps for Kids Plus Download Your Free Steggles Recipe E-BookMy Profile

  2. Your story sounds similar to mine – my name is Chantel and I suffer from recurrent miscarriage. I have two beautiful boys earth side that I love with all my heart. But that heart is also heavy from the 7 babies we have lost – each at around 10 weeks, each sooo wanted and loved. I am now too old to try for another. If I was lucky enough to be a person who got pregnant and stayed pregnant, we would definitely go for another. But I don’t have the emotional capacity to go through another loss. I have had to make my peace with a family of 4, not 6 like I’d always dreamed.
    We were fortunate our losses were all first trimester, but like you say, that brings all the special “meant to be comments” Not many of my family or friends know how many pregnancies we have had – a lot know we have had miscarriages, but not the extent.
    I am a seeker of feathers too – they are definitely signs from our angels xxx

  3. Never having wanted kids, I can’t even comprehend what you’ve gone through, honestly. But I am glad when I see people talking about these topics because I know it impacts on so many people I know; and taboos serve no one.
    Vanessa recently posted…Emergency Car SuppliesMy Profile

  4. Sorry to hear your story of loss Jessi. I suffered an ectopic pregnancy during our first IVF cycle and also lost my right tube. I never fell pregnant again (that I know of). We have two great children through adoption but I always think about that lost baby (who would have just about finished school by now) and there’s grief too at all the lost chances too through 9 cycles of IVF. I always feel grateful for the solidarity when people are brave enough to share their stories. All the best for the future.
    Kathy recently posted…Zen and the Art of French BraidingMy Profile

    1. I’m sorry to hear that Kathy, what a journey you went on. 9 cycles of IVF must have been taxing physically and mentally, I did 3 and that was bad enough. So glad you got to experience your dream of motherhood through adoption though.

  5. Jessi, my heart goes out to you. Someone close to me has just been through a miscarriage involving two babies. It was really tough for her and our family. I can’t imagine having to go through it over and over again. Sending you much love and luck.
    Renee Wilson recently posted…The guilt thingMy Profile

  6. My heart breaks for you Jessi. I’ve never experienced a miscarriage so I can’t fully comprehend what you’re going through, but experiencing infertility for years I can relate to some of what you mention. Especially about being jealous of other people who can get pregnant and have babies and also the comments from others about “it’s obviously not meant to be” that I should have a child or “it’ll happen when its the right time” etc. People don’t understand just how horrible their comments really are. Like you though I feel going through this has made me love my daughter so much more and appreciate everything with her a lot more than if I hadn’t had trouble conceiving her. I hope you’re successful in having another baby {if you’re still trying} and I hope you find lots of feathers x
    Toni @ Finding Myself Young recently posted…Mummy Must Have Review | Freycoo Ashley BootsMy Profile

  7. Thank you to each and every one of you who has commented and been brave enough to share your experiences too. Writing this was a very healing process for me and I am grateful to Haidee @ Maybe Baby Brothers. …and me, for allowing me to do this. For those of you who have commented about your losses, I am deeply proud of you for sharing and I wish you all the best on your journey to healing. I send love to all your babies lost. I like to think they are all hanging out in a beautiful place and watching over us while we keep them in our hearts forever. Don’t stop talking about them and don’t be afraid to talk about them either. As bereaved parents, lets quash this taboo stereotype that miscarriage has, and make it normal to remember them loud and proud! All me love, Jessi.

  8. Haidee,
    What a great platform you’ve created. A place for these stories to be told. They need to be written and they need to be heard. I feel for Jessie, so much. My heart and prayers are with her. But I am also proud of you both. Speaking out can change how people feel, once it’s made real to others they can empathize more, listen better and love bigger. I think that if we share our pain it can heal. And we all share it, making us all better.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

CommentLuv badge