I’m pretty excited to show off to you all what I have been working on behind the scenes for a couple of weeks now but I’m definitely nervous to publish this baby too! I really hope you guys like the new look and you can see the ‘me’ shining through, because after all that is what a blog is all about – a reflection of who you are translated into words. Those who know me can probably see ‘Haidee’ written all over this new design, right down to the not so subtle coffee theme! No joke, I get so many coffee quotes posted onto my Facebook wall a week! It is the essence that keeps me sane and everyone knows I am the biggest self proclaimed coffee addict out so I had to tie that in somewhere.

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I touched on this in my last post, the mini man flu has struck super early in my household (if you haven’t had it yet, then it’s coming to a house near you!) but the two year old was taking it pretty well …. until last night that is. It all started with a terrible mistake on my part. The boys came and picked me up from work early given it was absolutely bucketing down with rain and I suspect by this point my husband just wanted to get out of the house. We then stopped for a few bits and pieces at the supermarket where I made the worst mistake known to mankind (in two year old land) and that was to leave the lemonade iceblocks at the supermarket. I mean, how dumb can you get right? Sick two year olds and iceblocks are a given and I left them behind. You’d think I had killed someone the way he carried on, so back in the car I hopped (I’m a sucker) and in rush hour traffic (fabulous!) I raced back down to retrieve the forgotten icy gold.

So that was fine. Iceblock crisis averted.

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Yesterday I discovered something rather monumental.

There is a fate worse than a sick husband with so called ‘man flu’. 

That fate is in the form of a 3 year old boy who has ‘mini man flu’. He’s not even really that bad at present, he has a mild cough and a cold and his 2 year old brother who has it ten times worse is taking it more in his stride than him. But the three year old is dying. I believe his exact words were ‘Mummy, I can’t live like this anymore *cough cough* I’m dying!‘.

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I just wanted to send out a hugeand heartfelt thank you to everyone who responded with such kindness after my post on Tuesday. It was a difficult piece to write, though the words flowed pretty freely once I put fingers to keyboard. I have been getting the most beautiful responses from far and wide, from family to friends to strangers.

Many people have been asking me if I feel any kind of relief after having written it. Right now I just feel a little emotionally drained but I am sure with time the benefit of having got that off my chest will pay off and bring with it some sort of peace.

I have been trying to work out why this has started to really play on my mind lately, why 12 years later the residue of this loss is starting to come to the forefront of my mind and play havoc on my emotional wellbeing. I was talking to a friend about it recently and her response made total sense.

From the day she died I have had distractions.

First, my relationship with my now husband was literally a couple of weeks old when she died. So I had him as a distraction. Then we got engaged and I went to Europe for my big overseas holiday. Planned a wedding. Got married and bought a house. Started trying for a baby and discovered it was not that easy. Cue three years of battling infertility, an obsession of trying to get pregnant that took over my life. 3 x IVF cycles. Finally, a pregnancy! Cohen was born, new motherhood awaited. Surprise! Baby #2 was on their way when Cohen was 9 months old. Pregnancy again and another newborn.

So many distractions to keep my mind and life busy.

Now, the boys are 3 and 2. Life has settled down into a routine and my mind is quiet by not having so many huge events one on top of the other to concentrate on. So things long buried are starting to come back up.  I will probably use this blog at times to write about those.

For now I will just sit quietly, reflect and see where that takes me. x

I know, I know. 10.30pm on a Sunday night to post a blog entry? This girl be crazy! I am never up this late but a little man has been having agonising growth pains in his little legs (my three year old Cohen) and so I am writing while he is cuddling in beside me waiting for the pamol to kick in and ease his pain. It makes you realise just how much they still need you even though they love to start exerting their independence at this age. But we all know there is nothing quite like your mum to turn to in times of pain or emotional distress for that comforting cuddle.

I’ve been having some rough patches lately where I certainly could have done with my mums guidance and comfort and that unwavering support and honesty one can only really get from their mother. It’s at times like this that you realise that the grief and the enormity of your loss never goes away completely and the loneliness that comes with it can be overwhelming. With Mother’s Day approaching in New Zealand I encourage you all to realise just how truly lucky you are if you still have your mother here, treasure her for life is never the same once they are gone.

But back to the Sunday Sum Up …

We went to Cape Palliser over in the Wairarapa to see the seals, enjoy the rugged coastline and have a family picnic. It was lovely weather and the boys had a wonderful adventure, though I’m sure they thought we were mean not letting them get too close to the seals to pet them. I have posted a few photos of the day above. Other than that the week was pretty ordinary aside from what I touched on above which is always worse when sleep is on the lacking side and my brain seems to stop working to its full capacity. This week will be all about getting back on top of things like exercise and loading up on nutritious foods.

If I write it here I gotta do it right?!

What are you looking forward to this week?

I have a confession. I have not been swimming in 2.5 years. Not because I don’t like it. Ok, maybe I don’t like it a little bit. I’m a Pisces which means I am supposed to love the water. All the star signs descriptors out there say Pisces are water lovers but perhaps I was just born overdue and missed my true star sign calling because a water lover I am not! And I can’t swim. Much.

When I was 19 I went off on a big adventure to the big US of A to work on a summer camp over in New York State. Little did I know that we would be put through rigorous testing of our swimming skills. I am an asthmatic so holding my breath in cold water has never been and never will be my strong point. So I failed. Well, first I was tested and failed so offered the opportunity to test again. And failed again. I got through all the swimming parts but the treading water part killed me. I was the only one who failed the swim test. Yep, and it wasn’t JUST the camp counsellors who were tested either. The very same test was given to all the campers too and even the 6 year olds all passed. Embarrassing much? Anyway, not much has changed. I am still not a strong swimmer and I am nervous with the boys around water, I imagine that they will fall in and drown but that is just me passing on my own water insecurities to them and I really don’t want them to know or it might subconsciously rub off on them too. So we are doing swimming lessons starting next Saturday. And I am terrified.

The reason I am terrified? Because I will have to wear togs. AKA swimmers for you non Kiwi folk. AKA those really tight lycra things that show every bump and lump on your body. THAT my friends is why I have not been swimming in over 2 and a half years. It makes me break out in a cold sweat just thinking about having to put on a swimsuit and be seen in public. Even though all of the other mums in the pool with their little bundles of energy probably feel the same. I have never been able to lose the baby bump even post 2 years past baby. Can I even still blame the baby 2 years down the line? Probably, kinda, not really. It just stays like a stubborn stain that will not wash out. And the problem with that is that if I wear anything even close to resembling a tight top I seriously look pregnant. I am dreading these swimming lessons but I can’t deny my children the opportunity to learn to swim and to turn into me, so I am swallowing my pride and going to have to get over it.

Please tell me other people feel this way about swimsuits too?! Or water in general? And what do you do to get around it? Because with two little boys who love the water, I need to find my way around it somehow. And quickly!